Just In:Iran Announces New ‘Hotel Scouting Division,’ Will Target Any American Soldiers Seen Booking Room Service”

Manama, Imaginary In an unprecedented and highly theatrical press briefing this morning, Iran’s “Ministry of Targeted Hospitality Awareness” unveiled plans for its newly formed Hotel Scouting Division (HSD), which the ministry claims is dedicated to tracking American soldiers with questionable vacation habits.

“Reports indicate several U.S. service members have been spotted ordering overpriced room service, binge-watching daytime soap operas, and lingering by the hotel pool past checkout time,” said HSD Director General Fictional Name. “This is clearly hostile behaviour.

Accordingly, any soldier found wearing flip-flops indoors, double-dipping guacamole, or asking for extra towels will be… uh… firmly and politely reminded that they are not at a spa.”

In an accompanying infographic titled “Rules of Engagement in the Mini-bar Age,” the ministry offered tongue-in-cheek guidance on how tourists might expect to be “targeted”:

Over-indulgence in continental breakfast risk level: medium but delicious
Using hotel slippers outside designated hallways risk level: high
Ordering extra pillows at 3 a.m. risk level: extreme (culinary sabotage suspected)

Iranian spokespeople repeatedly emphasized that these new directives had nothing to do with real military strategy, instead claiming the initiative was designed to “encourage more adventurous travel choices” and “discourage cookie consumption at inconvenient hours.”

A mock diplomatic cable posted to social media from the imaginary U.S. Embassy in Fictional Gulf State X reportedly stated:“We can neither confirm nor deny the existence of any soldiers at this hotel, but we do confirm that the minibar prices are atrocious.”